Segafredo L’Originale

Short of drilling a hole through the wall at the boy’s locker room to gain viewing access to the girl’s locker room in any ’80s teen movie, Segafredo on Lincoln Road is the best way to score voyeur boners on South Beach.

…Segafredo on Lincoln Road is the best way to score voyeur boners on South Beach.

The people-watching there is incredible. The greatest legs in Miami decide to walk through that area for some reason. Sure, you get random homeless crackheads passing by dancing to non-existent music or selling their little flowers they fashioned out of palm leaves, but that’s like one for every 20 beautiful women. And yes, it can get a little obnoxious when people sit their smelly-ass dog next to you as you’re trying to enjoy a couple of sliders, but most of the time SoBe residents have the decency to bathe their dog every once in a while. Even the Lincoln Road homeless crackheads smell better than the downtown homeless crackheads. The downtown ones have a formidable odor that can peel year-old gum off a sidewalk.

9 times out of 10 I when I go to Segafredo it’s with my Turkish friend. If you don’t have a Turkish friend, you need to get one. It’s the closest you can have to an Arab friend without being jacked off by a summer school grad calling himself TSA while passing through an airport security line just by mere association. This particular time was his birthday which meant more Turks and less use of the English language. It was brutally humid that night, it’s when that tropical storm everyone was shitting themselves over was supposed to strike and impossibly turn Hialeah into a shithole.

It’s the closest you can have to an Arab friend without being jacked off by a summer school grad calling himself TSA…

On a related note, I met two of my readers that night. They stood there conspicuously clearing their throats until I looked over, which is the sort of tactic detectives would use if they want to ask you some questions about recent child molestation allegations against you, but you’re currently giving the sermon at your mass and they don’t want to interrupt yet want you to be aware of their presence. I talked to them for a bit, inside, because they claimed to be intimidated by my group of Turks. Fucking racists.

While sitting outside we had some dudes at the table next to us with a Pomeranian they shaved to look like a lion. Mind you, we were a pretty big group so a few of us were standing, and meanwhile lionpup over there had his own chair. He weighed like 2 lbs soaking wet carrying a 1 lb weight, but he got his own fucking chair. I would make barking noises and he would look at me with perked ears. Then I called his mother a bitch and he seemed to get a little annoyed by that. I explained to him that his mom is or was, in fact, a bitch and proceeded to reveal the etymology of the word. And you know what he did? He IGNORED me. What the fuck dog, that’s rude as fuck, and if you’re going to be a classy dog with your own chair and personal glass of water at a fine establishment the least you could do is behave with some decorum, otherwise you belong on the floor with the rest of the plebeian canines.

He weighed like 2 lbs soaking wet carrying a 1 lb weight…

The food at this location is better than the food in the other Segafredos. I’m a big fan of their sliders. Or even when I show up for drinks, the little baskets of potato chips and peanuts are awesomeness. But that shit is probably just jumbo-sized Costo crap.

This is the best place on Lincoln to just hang out. I won’t say to eat, because I’d eat at Spris while having my thigh caressed by a dude from Score before eating at any other place on the Road.